The Unhappy Truth

“Why is this happening to me?” I thought to myself as the frustration began, the depression began and self esteem went out the door. The only sacred thing I had was gone, no longer existed, and my body was no longer mine. “Is he supposed to be touching me there?” I wondered as my skin began to crawl. Over time a simple touch felt like an offence. I tried to “forget” over the years, I tried to run away, but it only made it worst, and as much as I thought I was over it, I realized that the pain remained the same.

So for a while I had zero self-esteem. Nothing anyone said to me made me believe was beautiful. Walking around feeling as if I could not be myself, it hurt. Over time, I had to regain my strength, and find out what truly makes me happy. I was sick of all the crying, and feeling ashamed of myself for not sticking up for myself. That type of guilt eats you up and makes you feel the need to no longer be alive.

The thought of suicide came across a couple times, but I had hope that one day it would all get better and I would find my inner beauty once again. And I did, eventrully.it took a death, tears, and pain for me to realize that life is too short to be anything but happy.

In 2004, when I was only eleven years old I was molested and raped. Just recently, I shared this secret with a close friend and I finally had to let it go. I had held this in for years without anyone ever knowing, and now I am taking a stand against what no one would expect of me. Maybe because I am “quite” to most that do not know me, or because I am outgoing beyond imagination to others.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” My deepest fear is that something like this is happening to millions of girls everyday.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” I ask myself, “Who am I not to?” This is not how I always felt though.

There is a time in everyone’s life where they question themselves, think they cannot do something because it is holding them back. I did this every day for five years. No one ever knew what I was feeling but me. I felt like no one could relate and I was ashamed of myself for not doing anything. So for a while I did not eat healthy, I was depressed, and I kept to myself about a lot of things.

Until recently I told one person about my secret. It was hard to get out at first, but deep down inside I trusted them more than I would ever imagine. After years of holding on, I finally allowed someone to see the real me. I believe that when you learn to let things go, you will let feelings go as well.

Now all I do is smile, because I know I can. I know it’s okay to be myself. I can walk around with my head held high and not care what anyone says about me because of what I have been through. I’ve made a promise to myself, to never to be anyone but me.